Recommended background music: Reason - Yiruma
If you’re a guy, chances are you’ve been stupid, annoying, crude, insensitive, inarticulate, weak, incompetent, lazy, and selfish for the first 20-25 years of your life. I hate to admit it, but the science is clear: girls are on average much more intellectually, socially, and emotionally mature than boys for that first quarter of life, and boys don’t catch up in the development of their prefrontal cortex until their 20s. Anyone who has taught children would probably agree. It applies down to even something as trivial as how good their handwriting is. The good news is, there is hope for our boys. Nature has provided a catalyst to “pre-maturely” pull boys up from their pitiful selves and develop them into somewhat respectable people. And that catalyst comes in the form of falling for a girl.
Any guy who has ever been in love knows the feeling. In the distance, you see the girl of your dreams. She doesn’t notice you at all, but you can’t help but notice her. And as you’re looking at her while pathetically trying not to look like you’re looking at her, there is one single, painfully undeniable truth that runs through your mind…… “I’m not good enough”. And you’re right to think that. You may be bold enough to one day ask her out. If she’s nice, she’ll give you a chance and soon discover how pathetic you are. Then she’ll break it off - and she would be right to do so. Or if she’s smart, then she’ll reject you from the start and not even give you a chance - and she would be right to do so.
By default, by nature - boys are garbage. And only once they’ve experienced the tortuous pain of these break-ups and rejections do they begin to introspect and admit it to themselves. It’s why I believe that there is nothing better for the development of a guy than to be dumped or rejected. It prompts him to ask himself, “why doesn’t she like me?”. And hopefully he stumbles upon the more important follow-up question: “why would she like me?”. Only then will he realize how unattractively weak he is - physically, mentally, financially. And only then will he start to work on himself. The phenomenon is so prevalent, and it is perfectly expressed in the form of a meme: the sad gym bro. Any time a guy goes through a bad breakup, the first thing he does is start going to the gym. Any time you see a cringe online video of a guy getting rejected, you’ll see an endless run of comments saying, “see you in the gym, bro”. People who don’t get it will think it’s toxic, but in my opinion this is a great example of masculinity. If you’ve been rejected, you should start working on yourself right away.
But even once you become physically, mentally, and financially strong, it’s not enough. You still aren’t good enough for the girl of your dreams. You may have become attractive enough to get her, but not enough to keep her. Chances are, you’re still insensitive, crude, crass, and inconsiderate. Actually, in your journey to becoming hard and strong, you may have become even worse in these regards. But if you’re lucky enough to have a partner who is patient with you, and if you’re smart enough to understand that she is worth changing for, then slowly you will improve in these matters over time as well. You will become more in tune with your own emotions, more sensitive to the emotions of others, more aware of social subtleties, less assertive in the way you speak, and with a more refined vocabulary. You will become softer - in the best definition of that word. You’ll write for her. You’ll play piano for her. You might even deviate way out of character and learn how to dance for her. At this point, she will have completed you, and transformed you into achieving your full humanity. At this point, you will have become someone who is actually worthy of being with her.
I’ve been with my partner for 7 years. Throughout that time, I’ve been asked several times, including by her, why I loved her - what was it about her? I’ve always hated this question because I actually never knew how to answer it. She is pretty. But I don’t love her because of that. She is smart, but I don’t love her because of that either. She is funny and reliable, but these are also not the reasons. Is it a combination of all these things? Even still, no. I know plenty of girls with all of these attributes, but whom I’ve never had feelings for. Falling for the girl of your dreams is not a rational thing, and so it cannot be explained by reason and logic. I’m not able to answer the question, and I don’t think I ever will be.
When you meet the girl of your dreams, you won’t question it - you’ll just know. You will fall hard, and you’ll do everything you can to get her to like you back. You may be in a situation where it just can’t work out, and you’ll exert so much effort into controlling your emotions and stopping your feelings for her. But you’ll stand no chance.
If you’re lucky enough that it does work out and you manage to get into a relationship with her, that first year will be so much fun. You will go to many new places, try new restaurants, new hobbies, and share many new experiences with her. And after that first year of excitement, you will run out of new things to do, and you’ll become bored.
This is an important milestone. When you are able to just be bored in the presence of your significant other, you have the best chance of making it. You don’t need something new and exciting all the time. You are content just sitting around doing nothing, as long as you’re together. At this point, you lose the spark and the nervousness when you’re around her, but in return you’ve gained comfort and a best friend. At this point, you should be cautious of how easy it is to normalize your partner and take her for granted. When you’ve been with her so frequently for so long, she will have become so close that you may not notice how special she is. And that’s perfectly fine, so long as you occasionally remind yourself of what you have.
Every once in a while you will find yourself at a social event with her. You will break away from her and hang with your friends while she hangs with hers. You’re completely in the moment with your good friends and you forget she is even there in the same place as you. And then it catches you by surprise. You see her at a distance laughing with her friends. It knocks an old gear into motion, and you feel as if you are seeing her for the first time again. You realize that you are looking at the love of your life. You think to yourself that if this were some kind of parallel universe where you really are meeting her for the first time, she would still be the one - in this universe, in any.
I met the love of my life in the summer between my 5th and 6th grade years, and I fell hard for her then. I fell so hard that whenever I did get the chance to talk to her, I could think of absolutely nothing to say except to ask for a piece of gum. I fell so hard that when I was with her, my body lost its ability to perform its unconscious functions, and I would have to consciously take over. “Breathe in. You haven’t blinked in a while, try blinking. Lots of saliva filling up in your mouth - swallow. Breathe out. Breathe in again. Blink. Swallow.”
I was young, and the love was completely obsessive, immature, and unhealthy. But it was definitely real. And the crazy thing is, as an adult - despite having experienced this myself - I would dismiss any kid who tells me they feel this way. I would lecture them and convince them that they are being dumb, and that they have no perspective. Once they get more life experience, they will understand how narrow their vision and their feelings are at this moment… But that’s the thing. It’s precisely because they have no perspective that their dumb young feelings mean absolutely everything to them. When I was in 6th grade, I set a life goal to marry this girl specifically. It was a goal that any rational, mature person would think is completely idiotic - and I would agree with them.
This past weekend, I achieved that dumb goal.
Afterword:
A friend of mine lost his long-term partner earlier this year. They had been together for many many years when she was suddenly and mercilessly inflicted with a brutal cancer. She went from perfectly healthy and happy to bed-ridden in pain in just a matter of months, maybe weeks. To seal their love, they decided to get married before she passed away, and the wedding had to be officiated in her hospital room with her in bed.
My wedding was an extravagant one - almost 500 guests, a beautifully decorated reception hall, a 9 course meal, and many wonderful performances. But even this cannot compare to the depth and beauty of their wedding, which I deem to be the greatest wedding this year, and probably the greatest wedding I will ever know of.
It has been several weeks since she has passed now, and I’m sure my friend has been struggling every day without her. This past weekend, I was able to see him smile, laugh, and even dance. By my definition of the word, my friend has become a living saint - someone who has experienced the deepest tragedy this cruel world has to offer, yet still affirms life, finds the good in it, and spreads his joy.
I know how lucky I am. I understand what I have. And in addition to my wedding vows, I would like to make another life promise - this one to my friend who lost the love of his life:
I will take none of this for granted.